So, last week I had the misfortune of having a sty in my right eye that made me look like Quasimoto. And I'm sorry to say that this week isn't looking much better, either. I decided to renew my auburn highlights that had faded to a brassy blonde over repeated hair washings. Red is a tough color to maintain, I'm told. What I wish someone would have told me, however, is that auburn and mahogany are not even close on the hair-dye color wheel. Don't imagine for a moment that I actually paid someone to color my hair - the "queen-o-do-it-yourself" lives here, remember?! Keep in mind that I used the highest quality hair color that six dollars and ninety five cents can buy down at the local grocery store. I followed the directions exactly:

• STEP ONE: place all of the contents of vial "A" into container "B"

• STEP TWO: Add entire contents of tube "C" into the container with solution "A" and "B".

• STEP THREE: Place finger over container spout and, "Shake, shake, shake, Señora, shake it all the time (Wow-ho) · Work, work, work, Señora, work your body line (Yeah-he)" fashion around your bathroom.
(It's possible that I'm paraphrasing and embellishing just a scooch here.)

I set my timer for 25 minutes and tweezed my eye brows. And, if you've seen my eyebrows you are well aware that 25 minutes is really not sufficient time to pluck even the slightest arch into said brow line - just imagine that Frank Zappa's mustache and Groucho Marx's eyebrows fell in love and the resulting love child are my brows. When the timer went off, I rinsed and shampooed and rinsed again. As I blew my locks into place with the hair dryer I noticed that my once brassy highlights had changed to a lovely shade of, well . . . .PURPLE! Like Barney purple, except with a tan or maybe melanoma . . . PURPLE! Like Minnesota Vikings or Grimace from the McDonald's gang.

uhmmm . . . . no.

Just to recap, the first week my kids were at camp I was blessed with an eye that was so swollen that I looked like a bee sting victim. The second week has begun with my Barney-colored wig and its only Tuesday. Frankly, I'm not sure that I want to speculate what week number three might hold for me - perhaps a little head lice, a giant fever blister?! Or possibly a scorching case of herpes or anal leakage?!

I'll keep you posted.