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Chinoiserie Chic • Mid Century Modern • Palm Beach Regency Vintage Sales & Rentals

THE LAUNDRY LIST

Cantilevering My "Buttress"

LeAnn Stephenson


It's getting warm and my garden is getting a little overgrown and I need to tend to it.  When I'm working out in the garden my attire consists of a swim suit, running shorts, a crappy pair of tennis shoes and zinc oxide on my nose, to add to my hot-ness.

When I was younger swim suits were fun and sexy.  Bikini's were one of the main implements in my seduction tool kit - the other was being really cling-y - men love that!  Anyway, my point is this, swimwear used to work for me - I couldn't wait to get out on the lake in my new suit.

Well, that was then and this is now.

Now, I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini.  Now I buy costly one piece contraptions that Isaac Newton would marvel at.  I ask a lot from my swimsuits these days, to begin with they have to lift and separate.  And if I'm really fortunate I can find one that helps cantilever my "buttress," if you know what I'm sayin', while generally defying gravity.

So the other day, after I had delayed the inevitable as long as I could, I dug last year's suit out of my drawer and began the arduous task of squeezing into it.  First I guided my left and then right foot into the appropriate leg holes and proceeded to tug and heave the Lycra up over my hips, then past my waist (also known as a floatation device,) finishing by wiggling the "breast-icle" portion of my frame into place by slipping the straps over my shoulders with a snap.

As I walked over to the mirror to check the fit I noticed a few things.  First and foremost, I couldn't breathe and I was getting a little light headed from lack oxygen.  Also, I noticed a sharp pain in the booty area - Seems the crotch region of the suit was giving me a do-it-yourself colonoscopy without the benefit of anesthesia.  Additionally, there was a lot of homeless flesh hanging around looking a lot like my own personal floaties.  The only upside to this whole deal was that most of the heft that has taken up residence in my mid section was being relocated up toward my chest.  And for the first time since the birth of my son, I had knockers!  Big-huge-men-would-struggle-with-maintaining-eye-contact-kinda-knockers!  But, even that had its downside because the suit had forced everything up so high that it's possible that I had an extra pair of breasts above my collar bone.  Not only that but, I noticed a new mole on my neck that I suspect used to be a nipple.  

Anyway, as usual, I told you that story so I could tell you this one. 

Last year about this time began a particularly trying and stressful time in my life.  Without trudging through the details I'll just relay that life was dealing me and my little family a lot of hard blows and our spirits were pretty low.  So, I did what I normally do when things get stress-y and little too intense I broke out the 3 P's;  First I panicked, I  and then I prayed and then I planted.  I got this notion from Lady Bird Johnson who is credited with saying that where flowers bloom so does hope.  So, after receiving a few rose bushes for Mother's Day and then a few more for my birthday in June and even more for an anniversary in August I began with this garden.  And I'd like to share some photos of how it looked then and how it looks today.

My front yard had a spot at the corner that refused to grow grass.  Every spring I would put new sod down and every summer it would burn to a crisp.  So last spring I decided to rent a tiller and turn that corner into a rose garden and add a river rock path to my front door.  And since I'm the "Queen of Cheap" most all of the supplies like garden edging, mulch and river rock cost me nothing thanks to a daily habit of scouring the "Free" section of my local Craigslist.  After the $50 dollars it cost to rent a tiller for a day, all I was out was some sweat equity.

So here goes:



Above I have pictured just a few of the roses that I planted.  The names of all of the roses are:  Heirloom Hybrid Tea Rose, Arizona Grandiflora Rose, Queen Elizabeth Grandiflora Rose, Sunsprite Floribunda Rose, Mister Lincoln Hybrid Tea Rose, Royal Highness Hybrid Teas Rose, Diamond Jubilee Hybrid Tea Rose and three bushes that were labeled simply Rose.

Below are a few pics of the river rock path, the garden edging and the mulch I picked up for "free" on Craigslist.





And pictured below is how they have grown a year later.  They are all at least a foot and a half taller in height and have been covered in blooms since the middle of March.







Now that is a lot of bloomin' hope!

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